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It's night time, which means a good long sleep for him and a glass of wine for me. Joy. Always conscious of the beautiful dark and warm red vino leaving my system before his overnight feed usually results in a small glass guzzled with a hearty meal of carbohydrates. However if I overindulge with two glasses I will wake up gingerly accompanied by a headache. How embarrassing, such a lightweight now. Contrary to my past.

Ah yes, my past. Fun. Carefree. Social. Wasted? Don't think so. Perhaps self indulgent to an extent. If I wanted to do something, little would stop me. Fortunately I have an amazing husband who has only ever been supportive of my personal interests and ambitions. Some costing us a few dollars along the way (think last minute interstate trips for footy finals, Crawf's 300th game in Tassie, cutting back work hours to go back to study..oh the list goes on and on).

But we had the means to do it. I worked hard, very hard and played hard too. I rewarded myself with experiences, not clothes or materialistic goods. With memories that will stay with me forever.

Memories. Friday nights at the local. Beer with hot chips. Salt and vinegar chips as an entree. Chicken parmas. More beer. The occasional cheeky dart. Footy on the telly. John behind the bar. Helping the elderly man from his bar stool to the taxi week in week out. Red wine. Mates. Laughter. Dusty hangovers.


Present. Friday nights in bed at 9pm. Bum cream. Nursing pads. Sophie the Giraffe teething toy. Baby time sessions at the library. Sleep cycles. Nursery rhymes. Burping. Coffee dates with new mums. Pram in the car. Pram out of the car. Smiles. Cries. Sleep deprivation. Pram friendly cafes. Feet tickles. Poo explosions. Apologising for cancelling..again. Bad hair. Jealous dog.

This is it, for now. Perhaps I wasn't ready to let go of my former self. I miss my friends, my workmates, my footy crew, my reliability and belonging where I was comfortable. Although they haven't disintegrated , things have changed. Getting out and about can be hard. At times it's a huge effort that not many appreciate or could understand. It can be isolating and confronting when you realise who your true friends are.

On the upside I have a beautiful and healthy little fella who is reliant on me for the best start in life. What an overwhelming responsibility. New friends have emerged. Friends in similar situations, sharing the same experiences, the ups and the downs. The fun times and the bad times. We're in it together. Smile as we wipe the milk vomit off our pyjamas at 4am. Be thankful.

Welcome to the club. There's only one way in and no way out.

Asleep. Still.

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